Our last night

I just read what I posted on Monday just 6 hours before he passed on..  It's insane how fast things can change.

Brian was very restless Monday.  It did not get better.  He couldn't get comfortable.  It had gotten to the point where he couldn't sit still, tossing and turning, sitting up then laying down over and over again.  It all happened so fast.  He couldn't clear his throat anymore.  Everything I read said that once they start the "rattle" you have about 24 or so hours..  It was within an hour..
I could see it in his eyes.  He looked like he was starting to freak.  I grabbed his cheeks and had him focus on my face.  I tried to calm him and tell him that he was ok.  He started to vomit again but it was different this time.  It didn't stop.  It came out of his mouth and his nose and it ran like blood.. It seemed like he was suffocating.  I tried to help him but it was no use, it just wouldn't stop.  I was holding him up in my arms.  We were looking into each others eyes... and then he was gone.
It was shocking and devestating.

The truth: Even though you know it's coming, you are never ready.

The lie:  You will go to sleep one day and just never wake up.
Maybe it happens that way for some, but from my experience and research, it's a small percentage..

I am very thankful to my dad.  He was here and took care of my daughter that night when I couldn't and made the phone calls I didn't care to make and I took the time I needed to fall apart.

Even now, a full week later, I still can't believe it's true.  Until I close my eyes at night to sleep and I see his face and his eyes staring back at mine and then....

This past week has been a blur.  I have so many people to thank.. and there are so many that I am indebted too..  I would not have survived this last week, let alone this last year, if it were not for my friends and family.  I love you all!

Not good.

We had about 24 hours, then he started vomiting again. 

We were up till 4:30 this morning. Then back up at 5:30 for awhile. Back to sleep about 6:30-7am. Back up at 9:30. Hospice came about 10am. 

He is ok right now. Vomiting still but not as often. He has been very restless. I have given him atavan a few times today and he has calmed down and is sleeping finally. 

He has been having pain and anxiety today. They are adding a pump tonight with a mix of atavan, decadron, and Benadryl. They do not belive he will come out of this. That being said, we have heard that before...  Only God knows. 

Finally :)

Since trying the new meds we got at 2pm today.. Brian has only thrown up one time and has been sleeping soundly for hours! YAY!!

Praying this works!

6 days of throwing up. Trying something new again. 

I just gave him a phenergan suppository. Praying it works! 

Still sick

Trying a new concoction.. Suppositories haven't been working. A mixture of Atavan Decadron and Benadryl. 

Sick

Brian has been throwing up over the last 4 days.  He hasn't been able to keep any fluids or medications down.  This morning he was given a suppository and he is already more comfortable.  Fingers crossed that it helps!

A lot of sleeping

Brian has been mostly sleeping since he had the ketamine shot.  I have had to wake him up to give him his meds.  He did sit out on the back deck for about 20 mins yesterday and woke up last night and ate a little bit of dinner.  Hopefully he will start to wake up more often on his own..

Rough Night

I was up with Brian most of the night. his pain was bad. We pushed his bolus button several times but it wasn't helping so I called hospice about 3:30 am to let them know I was giving him a ketamine shot. It did help after awhile but he hates the way it makes him feel so I ended up staying up with him till 6am holding his hand. He is feeling better this morning but still having some pain.

Sweet Bri

I'm telling Brian bye because I'm leaving for a couple of hours while the nurse sits with him, and he says to me, "I love you so much and I'm already waiting for you to get home."

He doesn't make it easy for me to leave… LOL

Brian on the buggy

Brian on the buggy

Brian has been restless again so I got him on the buggy and he had a blast!  He doesn't open his eyes much and so he tends to go all over the place.  Every time he would run into the grass he said I pushed him, lol.  When he was tired and wanted to go back home he said "Man, I have to get you home, you are panting and wore out"   I thought that was cute!  lol.

He is still sleeping most of the time and you can barely hear him when he talks but he seems to get restless and needs to do something low key about once every week or two.  I have been told that that is normal.  

Last night I was upset and he asked me what is wrong.  I told him that it was just that I am worried about him and he replied "don't worry about me, I'm too stupid to die"  I'm not sure what he meant by that but it made me laugh.. 

Random pics over the last year

Warning:  This may be hard to see.

The night before we found out

 

One of the last fun things Brian got to do out.  We went 2 tracking
with Caressa & Josh and one of their friends. 

Notice the shoes.  He had significant confusion off and on at this point.

Fishing with Dan Needham.