I just read what I posted on Monday just 6 hours before he passed on.. It's insane how fast things can change.
Brian was very restless Monday. It did not get better. He couldn't get comfortable. It had gotten to the point where he couldn't sit still, tossing and turning, sitting up then laying down over and over again. It all happened so fast. He couldn't clear his throat anymore. Everything I read said that once they start the "rattle" you have about 24 or so hours.. It was within an hour..
I could see it in his eyes. He looked like he was starting to freak. I grabbed his cheeks and had him focus on my face. I tried to calm him and tell him that he was ok. He started to vomit again but it was different this time. It didn't stop. It came out of his mouth and his nose and it ran like blood.. It seemed like he was suffocating. I tried to help him but it was no use, it just wouldn't stop. I was holding him up in my arms. We were looking into each others eyes... and then he was gone.
It was shocking and devestating.
The truth: Even though you know it's coming, you are never ready.
The lie: You will go to sleep one day and just never wake up.
Maybe it happens that way for some, but from my experience and research, it's a small percentage..
I am very thankful to my dad. He was here and took care of my daughter that night when I couldn't and made the phone calls I didn't care to make and I took the time I needed to fall apart.
Even now, a full week later, I still can't believe it's true. Until I close my eyes at night to sleep and I see his face and his eyes staring back at mine and then....
This past week has been a blur. I have so many people to thank.. and there are so many that I am indebted too.. I would not have survived this last week, let alone this last year, if it were not for my friends and family. I love you all!
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